SIMILIES. OR CLOSE ENOUGH.

So it's been awhile. Interesting developments, but nothing really catching to write about. I will say that everything in my life is finally starting to fall back into place - moving really takes a lot out of you, I'm just pleased that work has been quiet while I've been dealing with that.

Everything else is good. Life is good. Life is always the way it's meant to be, regardless of where you prefer it to be. I'm just happy to know I'm right were I need to be. And I'm happy about that. Because everything is so much better and looking up.

So I will leave you with these words from Jill - words that now bring a complete and total smile to my face:

"ass bone."

Hope you're all doing well. I'm sure I'll have something fun to share soon. Cheers.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS

So the move is officially done. Not the settling in, of course. But I will say it's coming together nicely.

I realize I've been negligent in my blogging duties again and usually I have more to say, however, in this case, I shall attempt yet another list of things that are on my mind for the benefit of the three of you that read this. Oh, I know there are more and it's usually random, but it's nice to know some of you actually read this. Whooot.

1. Moving sucks. Donkey dick. Of course, moving in the summertime really really sucks.

2. The other reason why moving in the summertime sucks is because no matter how many times you or your new landlord call the handyman, he refuses to return your calls. I'm ready to find the guy and kick his ass. If I wasn't so worried about damaging the 1917 original windowsills, I would have installed the air conditioners myself. At this point, I'm willing to do it. Because it's hot as balls here.

3. If I ever see the handyman, I'm gonna punch him in the neck.

4. My new apartment is incredibly beautiful. So all in all, it was worth the move. I just need to keep telling myself that.

5. As I contemplate the piles of crap that I sort through and figure out how much of it to save and how much of it to throw out, I realize that after 27 years of life, having this much stuff for an admitted pack-rat isn't all too bad. Of course, then I am inspired to throw more away, but it's hard when you've whittled your life down to 20 boxes and assorted furniture and musical instruments. It's the all the tchotchkes and baubles I've accumulated. Sure, some of it is really kitschy, so perhaps this task won't be as bad as I think it is.

6. I apparently love to speak in Yiddish when describing my stuff. Oy.

7. I am sad to find that people at this age in my life will continue to disappoint me. I understand this is a facet of life and I do try very hard to be non-judgemental or throw my own views of how I think I should act onto other people. But you know what it comes down to? When you tell someone you're gonna do something, it's not that hard. Do it. If you're not gonna do it, then don't tell someone or promise them things that you cannot deliver. It's not only disappointing, it shows exactly what kind of person you are. And frankly, that means someone I cannot rely on. If you do not have the basic tenants of respect for me, you cannot expect me to have them for you.

8. I realize that was a deep thought, but I have come to a point in my life where you either respect me or you don't. And everyone has differing levels of respect. But if you cannot be held to your word, I'm sorry, I don't really have time for you. I save my time for the people that respect me enough to do what they say they're gonna. This may sound shallow and ridiculous, but in all honesty, that's what grownups and adults do. Life is not a consequence-free environment. Take responsibility for your actions. It's part of being a person, if not a human being. Why should I waste my time and energy on people who can't or won't do that? I'm so happy I've finally begun to understand it.

9. Closure is an interesting thing. It's easier to have closure when you're angry about a situation as opposed to confused by it. And time is a huge help in knowing the difference between the two. But at the end of the day, things happen for a reason and along the way, shit happens. You can't control other people but yourself. And in the end, closure is really what can make you feel like you can move on. And I've realized I've spent the last month doing such a thing. And I've learned that closure is not something that anyone else can give you, much like happiness. Thank god for Eleanor Roosevelt reminding me every day that "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission."

And it makes me feel good to know that I've survived yet another life lesson. And I'd love if life would stop throwing me lessons and give me some of the good stuff for just a little while. But hey, that is simply too much to ask for.

So loyal readers and friends, life is as it should be: constantly challenging, always amusing somehow, infuriating, and most of all - happening. So in the end, I really don't have much to bitch about. I'm still here. And hopefully wiser, stronger - and sweaty because the freakin' handyman has yet to return my calls.

Oy. Contentment comes with some cost. In the meantime, I'm praying for the fall to come.

PITHY.

For the first time in a long time, I shall endeavor to keep myself to a minimum of words in an attempt at pithiness. Only a few things are going through my mind exactly at this moment.

Moving sucks. I forgot I had muscles there. Thank the Goddess for epsom salts. I'm sad Harry Potter ended, but so happy I read it under 8 hours so that I could finish packing. I will need, to, however, pack my Nintendo Wii first so it stops being a distraction. Do I really have this much shit? And where did all those people go who offered to help me move? And finally, 4 DAYS? Are you fucking kidding me?!!!

That is all. Monkee out.

Update and a Letter

So things are moving along here in my world. Work is still a little hectic for this time of year, but it's not overwhelming. I'm moving apartments, which is the biggest news, so that has me plenty busy when I'm not busy at work. That's pretty much life in a nutshell.

In the meantime, I've found Craigslist to be an appropriate distraction for momentary resting when packing. Partially because I need a dining room table. I forgot how much I used the thing in New York. Which brings me to the next thing...

And now, a public service letter:

Dear People Who Surf or Post on Craigslist in Albany,

Craigslist is a fantastic service to everyone - where else can you find activities, pets, a free dryer, a Nintendo Wii, and singles or sex in one place?

Yes, I'm sure you said Las Vegas. I'm sure there's some truth to that.

However, a few guidelines everyone my abide by using such a free public service:

1. There are differences between "their," "there" and they're. Please learn them.

2. On that same note, please learn punctuation. It doesn't have to be perfect, but being able to distinguish between once sentence or thought and the next is really helpful.

3. Why on earth would anyone want a free broken TV? Throw it away.

4. If I respond to an ad about a cheap area rug, do not assume I am interested in any of the other things you have in your house. You didn't advertise them, I'm not interested. Stop emailing me everytime you feel the need to get rid of something else in your house.

5. If you don't live in the area that you state in the post, please tell me so that I don't drive 45 minutes down a dirt road to pick up a free aquarium stand. It's not worth the gas, I might as well go out and get a new one.

6. Missing connections is really funny to read when bored or procrastinating. Please make the posts interesting, not disgusting.

7. "Strictly Platonic" means just that. I am not interested in being a person you would cheat on your wife with, not interested in jumping into a serious relationship after two emails - all I was looking for was someone to go to an event with in an effort to meet new people. As friends. Because that's what strictly platonic means. It works successfully in places like New York City, I can't understand why people here don't get that.

8. When posting an apartment, please make sure you are in the geographic boundaries of the place you are posting in. I'm not looking for an apartment in Long Island, I was looking in Albany. If I was looking for an apartment in Long Island, I would look in that Craigslist. Or shoot myself. Either or.

9. Musical instruments should never be bartered for a lawn mower. I'm sorry. Call me a purist. You're an idiot if you think that's a fair barter. And I'm happy to take those instruments off your hands.

10. Volunteering does not mean interested in helping you move. I'm looking to help stray dogs and kittens, people who can't help themselves or push little old ladies around from Florida (I do work for AFSCME). Do it yourself. I am.

Thank you for your attention to these matters. Keep Craigslist enjoyable for all.

Sincerely,
Little Brown Monkey

EFFIN' SQUIRRELS

This morning, I was awoken when my cat decided to use my stomach and sternum as a jumping off point to my bedroom window. Needless to say, I was not amused.

After thrashing about quite unhappily in an attempt to go back to bed, I heard a noise when I settled down. It sounded like a bird quacking and making glutteral noises.

More than intrigued, I sat up to find my cat sitting perched on the windowsill, looking intently at something outside my bedroom window.

My bedroom window is also attached to a door that leads out to a small fire escape. I walked slowly over to the door and pulled back the curtain.

A squirrel was sitting on the railing of the fire escape, staring straight back at my cat, and making weird noises. I thought perhaps this squirrel was rabid. I found out it was, well... squirrely.

After basically yelling at my cat, he started to chew on the fire escape. Suddenly, he started walking closer to the window towards the cat, getting louder as he did. I tried to find my camera, but failed. I was more than amused.

When he got to the screen of the window, my cat reached right out and swatted him on the head through the screen. The squirrel ran away.

My cat then jumped off the windowsill and walked towards the kitchen as if to say, "Well, that's off the to do list... next."

I went back to bed.

WHOA BOY

I know it's been a while, but I've been rather busy and slightly, um, distracted.

For starters, work has been a little nuts as of late - been doing nothing but travelling for the past couple of months - haven't spent a lot of time home at all. So let's do a quick rundown of things I've been up to - and other sundry items.

1. My cat hates me. Since I'm never home anymore and he's a cuddle whore, I'm now a wayward mother. Neat.

2. Went to Schwartz's wedding in Breckenridge, CO. Not only was I unaware of altitude sickness (I'm now quite fully aware), but I got to drive through South Park. Yes, South Park. As Swiz had stated in the original "Anti-Happy" missive from good 'ol Washington College, one of the things that made her sad was that "we are not cardboard cutouts, therefore we can never go to South Park" - I'm happy to state that this has now been proven untrue. One can actually go there. Interestingly enough, I happened to go horseback riding on this amazing ranch with old friends from high school and my horse's name was Kenny. Only me, friends. Only me.

3. Schwartz's wedding was absolutely beautiful - on the side of a mountain with the Rockies in the background. It was amazing to reconnect with old friends and especially be there for Petee's special day with his new wife, Jaren. I was reminded of the good that can happen in life, which was a welcome reminder after the rollercoaster of the past few months.

4. Speaking of high school, I went to Mr. Hebert and Mr. Teufel's retirement concert at FM this past weekend. It was amazing. It was an honor to play with them and some old friends again. It was excellent catching up with old folks and good to know that we still know how to have a good time together. And for those who were there and might actually read this, I promise I do at times revert to a high schooler when around you and am actually quite professional in my "adult life." Okay, maybe I kid around a lot and still act like a kid, but hey, it was a lot of fun. It was a great experience and so nice to be able to honor both Hebert and Teufel since they both played a large part in my life and in my musical one. One more farewell symphony and I'll lose it, though.

5. I'm in DC right now for an AFSCME conference and while we're having a great time, I can't help but feel exhausted. Getting up at 5am for the AFSCME Presidential Forum hosted by Chris Matthews will only aid in the exhausted feeling, but at least I'm having a blast with all the folks here. I might be tired, but I'm definitely getting the psyched bug again for the work I do. Whoot.

6. I still can't understand why people don't know how to park their cars in Albany. Some guy with a Kansas license plate insists on parking crooked every day in our office parking lot. I don't know if it's because he can swing the door wider if he parks like an asshole, but it makes me have to rethink my parking every time I am forced to park next to him. I want to kick his bumper off. One of the good things about travelling so much is that I don't have to worry about parking next to him. And he doesn't have to fear a broken windshield. I'm serious. If you can't park, you can't have a car. Those are the rules.

7. I think that I can make up rules and that people have to follow them. I get sad when I realize this is not really the case.

8. Paris Hilton is back in jail and everything is right again. I could go on forever, but honestly, now that she's back in, I'm hoping we'll have a Paris-free-daily update for the next 45 or whatever days. But I know this is wishful thinking. Even in jail, the bitch still gets front page. You can't buy that publicity. Take note, Lindsay Lohan. Tick tock.

9. It's hot as balls on the East Coast. Anyone who doesn't believe in global warming should be forced to sit outside without shade at noon anywhere up the Eastern Seaboard. Melt in the sun while just sitting down. I feel like I've rubbed Hot Pockets all over my face after walking two blocks. Nasty.

10. Someone please explain why people in Albany can't drive in the rain. Hi, you're in the snow belt. You can drive in snow but not in rain?

11. Oh, wait. They can't drive in the snow either. This Syracusan is annoyed.

12. Parents need to learn how to discipline their kids in public - sans physical discipline. But for godsake, if you're on a tiny plane and your 4 year old is not only screaming but kicking the back of my seat, do something. Give your kids some manners or I will. Actually, better yet - I'll punch you in the neck. I'm busy enough. I don't need to do your job, too.

Phew. That's pretty much my life right now. I'm dictated by my schedule and I can't wait for that to stop so that I can get back to doing some really important and essential things. Like sleep. Clean my house. Do my laundry. And, yes, take some time for me. If you've been reading along so far, oh good reader, you'll know I went through a rough patch a few months ago. I'm happy to report that there has been progress on that level - I'm still learning and I recognize I have some way to go still. But this hectic work schedule has not aided me in getting to where I'd like to be, but I also know it's part of life for such things to happen and that it takes some time. I'm not kidding myself. But I'm trying to be patient and deal with things one day at a time - and we all know it varies, emotions bounce around. But at the end of the day, all I can do is work on me. So I'm simply doing what I have to do, dealing with everything, and trying to have fun where I can. That's life.

In the meantime, here's a song that I've found myself listening to quite a bit. Until the next transmission - hopefully when I have some down time - take care of yourself. And others.

When I think of all the time I’ve spent
Wasted feelings I’ve tried to forget
When I take a step back, I realize
That I’ve been blind

I close my eyes but I can’t fall asleep
And the air in here is hard to breathe
I’m still bound by all the rules I made
And stay the same now but it’s all changed

And I
I might be alone
But I’m strong enough to say
That I need
A little more than faith
to hold on

It’s been two long years since I’ve been here
Stuck in the middle with the same old fears
I tell myself what I already know
But I can’t let it go

And now I might be in too deep
And I don’t know where I want to be
Lately I have found
That I can see more clearly when you’re not around

And I
I might be alone
But I’m strong enough to say
That I need
A little more than faith
To hold on

When I think of all the time I’ve spent
Wasted feelings I try to forget
When I take a step back
I realize

That I
I might be alone
But I’m strong enough to say
That I need A little more than faith
A little more than faith
To hold on

-"More Than Faith"
The Bureau

When in Rome...

...there will be funny quotes. The girls and I got together for a weekend of fun in NYC. A birthday, a friend in need, and some old-fashioned fun that included fortune telling, Tarot cards, MASH, Tom Hanks' butt sweat, dinosaurs, tigers, a giant squid, mani-pedis, iHop, and some serious spiritual enlightenment.

In short, it was everything I needed for what I've been dealing with. And I know fun was had by all. And now that I'm back to dealing with everything on a moment by moment basis, I take a quick minute to enjoy the revelry that was had.

Without ado, the quote board:

"Oh, you fell out."
-Vicki (re: page in tarot book)
"That's what she said."
-Keeza
"That sucks when that happens."
-Vicki


"You guys look like organic brown eggs!"
-So Young


"She was getting all into it by the bathroom."
-Jill (I can't actually remember where we were for this one...)


"I've been really fruiting it up lately.
...That was awful."
-Keeza


"You see Yankee Doodle? The big horse with the man on it?"
-So Young to Vicki on the phone
"That's actually Theodore Roosevelt."
-Keeza
"Right, we're behind the Yankee Doodle, with the guy on the horse."
-So Young
"Theodore Roosevelt."
-Keeza
"The big green horse with Yankee Doodle, Theodore Roosevelt, whatever. Yeah."
-So Young


"I need a safety pin!"
-Young boy with pants falling down outside of the Museum of Natural History
"You need a belt. It's not hard. You put your pants on in the morning and then you get a belt and put it on. It's what men do."
-His father as he tried to safety pin his son's pants


"Danny DeVito!"
-So Young (in a raucous game of MASH)
"I don't like short guys. I think Keeza's actually taller than him."
-Jill (For the record, Danny DeVito stands a hot 5'0", so technically, we're the same height. Yes, I looked it up)


"It could be a bonnet!"
-Christine (re: Jill's bra)


"Take care of Vanna White, she's hot."
-A bum on the street after asking for cigarettes and money


"Will someone give me a foot massage?"
-Vicki
"Oh my God, I've been waiting to ask you all night!"
-Christine


"Vicki, you wanted to watch porn..."
-Keeza
"I don't have my glasses."
-Vicki


"Aren't dwarfs disproportionate? You can't be one, Keez."
-Vicki


"It could be worse. He could have said, 'I have yellow fever.'"
-Jill (in regards to scary Match.com guys)



Of course, these were the only ones we managed to write down. There was much more.

Sigh. Back to the grind. Cheers, all.

JUST WHEN EVERYTHING WAS GOING RIGHT...

Something comes along and fucks it all up.

In a rough spot I'm not entirely sure how to get out of but I am glad for the people around me who are supporting me on my way through.

So I don't know how long it will take until I'm ready to feel good again. But I know the time will come. And my heart will catch up to my mind.

In the meantime, I'll be rather introspective. Throwing myself into work. Reconnecting with friends. Listening to a lot of music. Writing new music. I finally have the impetus to. I just wish I could write music when I was content. Instead of lost.

Time to find what I had given up gladly - myself.

Time to evolve.

In the meantime, let Ani DiFranco songs speak the words I can't seem to find today:

what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me 
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant, 
i meant as is

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

some people wear their smile like a disguise
those people who smile a lot watch the eyes
i know cause i'm like that a lot
you think everything's okay 
it is till it's not
 
some people wear their heart up on their sleave
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot
  
most people like to talk a lot
including you
you know there isn't much i have to say
that i wouldn't rather just shut up and do
i'm gonna miss you when you're gone
i'm gonna be torn
just remember that i love you
just remember you were warned
 
out of me
on to you...
 
no more.


Best to the folks that read this.  I'll be back.  I promise.

VIVA CARSON CITY

So I've been away for the past two weeks or so, hanging out in the lovely state of Nevada. As AFSCME is wont to do, I was sent there to help out with the Presidential Candidate Forum we held in Carson City with ABC on February 21st.

It was a blast and I had an amazing time with some fabulous co-workers. We had a small amount of time, but kicked ass and took names. That's how we roll.

As you may have already seen, my pick for the ticket has dropped. Governor Vilsack, we will miss you.

So here's my thoughts for my most recent journeys and such:

1. George Stephanopoulos is just slightly taller than me.
2. Us Democrats have some decent choices this time around. I'm especially impressed by the not-so-big names in the race. Senators Dodd and Biden have some really interesting points and Congressman Kucinich is still on the ball.
3. Speaking of Congressman Kucinich, check out the video and see where he almost twirls off stage. He was pretty impressive up until that point. Sigh.
4. How did I manage to become the timer for the candidates and Stephanopoulos? Some dude from C-Span came over before the forum went live and checked out the program I was working on and went, "Great. We're all going off of you today. Don't screw up." Can you say pressure? On live TV?
5. Senator Gravel takes his time when he eats a turkey sandwich.
6. It's Nev-AHH-duh, not Nev-AA-duh. The Nevadans let Stephanopoulos have it.
7. Guess how long it took me to finally spell Stephanopoulos correctly?
8. Taking Southwest Airlines is like being picked for teams in gym class. You hope to hell that if you check in early enough that you won't be relegated to line C.
9. Nevada is nice, but I don't know how I feel about going to a supermarket where I can get medicine, short ribs, and gamble away my savings in one place.
10. Again, why do people bring babies into bars? At 11pm? PST?
11. Hillary Clinton is a celebrity. I've never seen people meeting candidates and crying after shaking their hand. Watch out for this one, folks. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't care what you think of her. People heart her like crazy. I'm putting the naysayers on notice.
    
12. If you're the only game in town, you can expect a heavy police presence. I saw more cops at that forum than NYC cops on New Year's in Times Square. Sheesh.
13. Reno and Carson City casinos are Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos circa 1978-1982. It was like walking into Liberace's underpants going into some of those casinos.
14. Nevada is also very dry. I'm sure you might have guessed that. I had to buy stock in lotion and face cream.
15. Missing the huge snowstorms in the Northeast has it's advantages. Except when you are flying back in the middle of one or between noreasters. And moving out of a storage space in Delaware in the space of two days and have to get back to Albany to go back to Reno.
    
16. Senator Biden and Governor Richardson are much, MUCH taller in real life.
17. Why are buffets so craptastic but sound so good? It's like sequels. They look so appealing but after you watch one, you are all, "Eh. What next?"
18. The boy gets major points for remembering Valentine's Day. Especially when I'm on the other side of the country. He rocks.
    
19. Dealing with different time zones sucks balls.
20. I've never dealt with so many surly waitresses in my life. I always tip well (ever the drama major remembering my buddies) but holy crap. I never thought so many of them could be in one place.
21. I did screw up the time during the forum. Once. No one told me that when you re-set the timer, you can only put in minutes, not seconds. And Vilsack paused long enough for us to think he was done with his question. In all honesty, it didn't take long at all to fix the problem, but I was worried Stephanopoulos might hit me on the top of the head when he came back during the potty break.
22. Jessica is a rock star.
23. The whole ground team kicked ass.
24. Anyone who thinks that the Hillary bust ain't real needs to check her out in person.
25. Anytime the AFSCME staff gets together, there's always fun. Along with plenty of good-old fashioned trouble.
26. We made friends with the 70-year old drummer that plays with the band at the Grand Sierra Resort. We call him Bud. Bud rocks. Hardcore. The whole band is great. Even when the Susanna Hoffs lead singer lookalike tries out a Selena outfit while singing Pink.
27. Not too many mullets in Nevada, but lots and lots of cha-cha bunnies. Hi, the 80's called. They want their bangs back, ladies.
28. I'm in a lot less pain when my spine is where it's supposed to be. I heart chiropractors.
29. After working on something so exciting, it takes a little more energy to get back into the swing of things.
30. And finally, is it really only February? 2007? What the hell?!

This Presidential election cycle is slowly going to kill all of us for the next two years. And we were silly enough to think it would only heat up next year...

Till the next transmission.

A DEPART FROM THE FUNNY...

To something more serious. I think Volansky does a quite good job on detailing Dubya's SOTU speech, so there's really no need for me to assist other than to say his most recent one is really no departure from the previous 6. The most exciting part of the night was the declaration for "Madam Speaker" and that was about it.

But in light of Delaware Senator Joe Biden's foot-in-mouth-moment, check out this interesting tidbit I just found out about:



While we examine the actions of Joe Biden and Mel Gibson and Isiah Washington - even Rosie O'Donnell's recent take on Asians - I'm forced to ask once again: Has much really changed?

THE MOST ENTERTAINING WEB SITE EVER

So Anica found this site and I had to play around. For the record, Chris says about his first picture: "Ewwwwwwww..."

A MID-WINTER CLEANING

I'm in the process of cleaning out my iBook to give to my mother and came across some really funny and hilarious things that are simply worth sharing. I realize that I have not been doing a usual blog and have instead been posting things that catch my fancy, but frankly, I just don't feel like I'm enough of a rockstar to bore you with the oh-so-not-fascinating minutia of my life at the moment. Perhaps soon. Perhaps I will enchant you with the story of how Governor Spitzer held my shoulder for three minutes. That might be worth it. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, enjoy this. It makes me laugh. Hysterically. I'll add more gems as I find them. Enjoy.

______________________

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO TALKING and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted):
-----------------------------------------------------------
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,???*?? he said into his transgalactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bitch.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
JACKASS.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Eat sh*t!
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

AMATEUR

Thanks to Mai and her unicorn, I enjoyed this greatly and I hope you will, too...

MISSING IN ACTION

I know I've been neglectful, but that has more to do with the fact that since Thanksgiving, I have travelled up and down the Northeast several times. We moved out of our family home in Delaware (that was a mindscrew) and I was in DC and NYC back and forth for work, so I'm finally getting a moment to get back to things. Of course, I leave again for X-mas and the first week of January is already filling up (why does Day One in New York start on New Year's Day? Who does that?) so it looks like I shall be very busy, indeed.

In the meantime, this is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Enjoy.

Oh, and Happy Holidays! (yes, I still use the greeting because not everyone celebrates Christmas, Walmart)

*ACTUAL ENGLISH SUBTITLES USED IN FILMS MADE IN HONG KONG*

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Phew.

So I know it's been a while. And I know I was silent after the election. That has more to do with my schedule and trying to move out of the Delaware house, which is a whole other bag of worms.

I will say that after 12 years, it's nice to finally remember what it feels like to win on Election Day. And here in New York, it's a nice change from 4 years before when I was crying in my beer.

You may call me cynical, but what I said before the election matters more now than it did before: It's not enough to win, it's about what you do with it that counts. So the clock is ticking and from what I've seen so far, I have reason to believe that we're back on a good track. Thank God. It's been too long in the darkness, my friends.

And anyone who thinks that the Presidential is two years away has to think again. That campaign began November 8th, 2006. And I will once again do what I did in 2002 - peg a candidate that I think will make it somewhere on the ticket. When I was working on the McCall campaign, one of the managers asked us a hypothetical: If the Democratic Presidential nominees were Edwards, Kerry, Dean, Gephardt, or Gore - whom would we work for/which one would win the nomination?

I would like to state for the record that I was one of two to pick Kerry. And my original hunch was correct.

So put some money down, kids. I'm changing the question slightly, but let's ask the same question.

If the Democratic Presidential nominees were Clinton, Obama, Vilsack, Bayh, and Biden, which one is likely to be on the ticket?

My answer is Tom Vilsack. Where on the ticket, I can't be so sure. Unlike 2004, we have a rare Presidential election coming up where neither the President is running for re-election and a Vice-President is running for the big office. That being said, the demographics of the electorate are too difficult to make a really accurate prediction and the last election confused the map.

And I would never underestimate the Junior Senator from New York. I love her to death, and despite what everyone else says about her chances, I would never underestimate that woman. She's proven she can beat the naysayers. And that is also more reason for me to heart her. That's not an endorsement, just the truth.

What I do know is that Tom Vilsack has an incredible story, he was a popular governor of Iowa, a moderate, and could carry the Midwest. So I'm pegging half a horse on him to make it on the ticket, no matter where on the ticket he ends up. He would turn some of those red states blue - and that would be a good number of electoral votes that flip the other way.

So look out for him. Don't discount him. And don't be silly to discount either Obama or Clinton, either. And I'm comfortable saying that I don't think both of them would be on the same ticket - for fairly obvious and sad reasons.

So let's hear it, folks. Anyone dare to make predictions?

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

I take a break to crawl out from the millions of maps that have made me cross-eyed to bring to you a special public service announcement in several parts:

1. After a whole day of travelling on planes for two ten-minute meetings on Long Island that routed me from Albany to Boston to Long Island and then from Long Island to Philly back to Albany (because that makes sense), I don't give a flying damn if your plane was delayed. Don't whine to me. I've gotta get to the gate before my next plane boards.

2. Subsequently, if an entire Judo team is returning from a tournament and the team consists of mostly high school/college age kids who have nothing better to do than yell, scream, and try to rub up against each other, I should be allowed to move seats. Especially if it's the last leg of my journey.

3. In the Bill Maher tradition - a NEW RULE: Air-buses or Air-rickshaws, as I have dubbed them, need to go. If there's only one row of seats separated by an aisle and then another row of seats, no one should be flying in it. I don't care if you feel like a rock star because you have to step down a flight of stairs and walk on the tarmac to get to the plane, they're just wrong. Any plane where the Navigator/Co-Pilot is also the Stewardess should be outlawed. As a union representative, unless they're getting paid to do both jobs, then away they should go. Give me a bigger plane that doesn't rock in the air like I was on a tilt-a-whirl or the Pirateship - anyone who has been to an amusement park knows what I mean.

4. Do not, I repeat, do NOT allow white kids to cornrow their hair. I don't care if you think you're cool. Especially the half skull cornrow - where it's done from the front of the scalp to halfway and then stops like someone got tired of doing it. I saw two little girls, sisters, with cornrows in their hair like that and it was just wrong. If you're a parent, you should be outlawed or blacklisted. It's like allowing your kid to have a mullet because you think it's cute. I have news for you: it didn't look cool when Justin Timberlake did it when he was in N'Sync. Kevin Federline is... well, if you don't already know that he sucks, then allow us to cattleprod you. Frankly, you just don't have the hair to make it look good.

and finally:

5. If you are over 50, it's not cool to have "Orange County Choppers" stickers all over your car so no one can see the Yankee bobbleheads and assorted stuffed animals you've deliberately placed in the back window. I'm a huge Yankee fan and those bobbleheads belong on a shelf in your house and/or office. And gluing action figures to the dash is also a big no-no. Not only is it distracting, it gives off the impression that you're down with having your car look like you're still in high school. You're over 50. Enjoy the Social Security those of us still working are paying you.

Someone's riding the bitter train.

...and back to the maps.

Remember, the more you know...

SOMEONE'S PULLING MY LEGS...

And undoubtedly, they need it, given that I'm as tall as a Smurf.

But if I even remotely resemble any of these people given my facial structure, then suh-weet.



Yeah, right.

WHY I SOMETIMES FEAR FOR MY PEOPLE...

It turns out that not only Chinese boys are bored. The boys in the Philippines have nothing to do, either:



The best part about the video is that they are in a cybercafe-type place. In the Philippines, you can find them on every corner. My question is, where are the people that work there?

If you go to YouTube, you'll find a whole collection of really bored Filipino boys. It must be the new thing to do for schoolboys on their afternoon breaks.

Sigh. Lea Salonga is still our claim to fame. It's hard not to see why.

PATRIOTIC

On September 10th, I found myself locked on Murray Street between Broadway and West Broadway, sandwiched between cars just trying to move but sitting idle because we had been directed and then blocked by the police. It turns out President Doucheb... er, Bush... was giving some sort of speech at Ground Zero. Bunches of people were walking up Murray, turned away from Ground Zero because of the President. Many of them were not only annoyed, but pissed.

New York is not the city to piss off near September 11th.

Especially when it involves President Bush. We just don't like him like the rabid red states do.

Those of us stuck sort of commiserated together. What else could we do? None of us liked the president, but it wasn't like we were going anywhere. Our comments were funny and nasty at the same time, "Oh, we'll just be here until his photo op is over." Or, "Yeah, it's close to mid-terms, isn't it?" I love New Yorkers. They know what's going on even if they don't read the paper everyday. And in times of annoyance, we can chat with each other like old friends.

After convincing the campaign I was working on that I was certain I wasn't going to be going anywhere, we noticed the President's motorcade going south in front of us. Fifteen minutes later, they were going north behind us. And we were still stuck. Um, the big hole in the ground is over there. I can point to it - it's only a few blocks away. You'd think that after all his talk and swagger over Ground Zero that they might have a small idea of where it is and how to get there. ESPECIALLY since they cleared the streets for him to go. I'm just saying...

Forty minutes later, we moved. And I'm still pissed.

IN the meantime, here is something amazing: a reporter who finally told it like it is. And to thank him, I'm sharing. He's said what I've been wanting to say. Enjoy. (And just FYI, the picture is one I took the evening of September 11, 2006 driving back to the hotel. I love those lights.)

The Nation -- Keith Olbermann is without a doubt the best news anchor on television today. Two weeks ago, echoing the spirit of the legendary Edward R. Murrow, Olbermann took Donald Rumsfeld to task for comparing critics of the Iraq war to Nazi appeasers. Tonight, broadcasting live from above a desolate and still demolished Ground Zero, Olbermann delivered a stirring eight minute commentary indicting the Bush Administration's shameful and tragic response to 9/11. The entire speech is worth watching and reading, so I'm posting the full text below.

Half a lifetime ago, I worked in this now-empty space. And for 40 days after the attacks, I worked here again, trying to make sense of what happened, and was yet to happen, as a reporter.

All the time, I knew that the very air I breathed contained the remains of thousands of people, including four of my friends, two in the planes and -- as I discovered from those "missing posters" seared still into my soul -- two more in the Towers.

And I knew too, that this was the pyre for hundreds of New York policemen and firemen, of whom my family can claim half a dozen or more, as our ancestors.

I belabor this to emphasize that, for me this was, and is, and always shall be, personal.

And anyone who claims that I and others like me are "soft,"or have "forgotten" the lessons of what happened here is at best a grasping, opportunistic, dilettante and at worst, an idiot whether he is a commentator, or a Vice President, or a President.

However, of all the things those of us who were here five years ago could have forecast -- of all the nightmares that unfolded before our eyes, and the others that unfolded only in our minds -- none of us could have predicted this.

Five years later this space is still empty.

Five years later there is no memorial to the dead.

Five years later there is no building rising to show with proud defiance that we would not have our America wrung from us, by cowards and criminals.

Five years later this country's wound is still open.

Five years later this country's mass grave is still unmarked.

Five years later this is still just a background for a photo-op.

It is beyond shameful.

At the dedication of the Gettysburg Memorial -- barely four months after the last soldier staggered from another Pennsylvania field -- Mr. Lincoln said, "we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract."

Lincoln used those words to immortalize their sacrifice.

Today our leaders could use those same words to rationalize their reprehensible inaction. "We cannot dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground." So we won't.

Instead they bicker and buck pass. They thwart private efforts, and jostle to claim credit for initiatives that go nowhere. They spend the money on irrelevant wars, and elaborate self-congratulations, and buying off columnists to write how good a job they're doing instead of doing any job at all.

Five years later, Mr. Bush, we are still fighting the terrorists on these streets. And look carefully, sir, on these 16 empty acres. The terrorists are clearly, still winning.

And, in a crime against every victim here and every patriotic sentiment you mouthed but did not enact, you have done nothing about it.

And there is something worse still than this vast gaping hole in this city, and in the fabric of our nation. There is its symbolism of the promise unfulfilled, the urgent oath, reduced to lazy execution.

The only positive on 9/11 and the days and weeks that so slowly and painfully followed it was the unanimous humanity, here, and throughout the country. The government, the President in particular, was given every possible measure of support.

Those who did not belong to his party -- tabled that.

Those who doubted the mechanics of his election -- ignored that.

Those who wondered of his qualifications -- forgot that.

History teaches us that nearly unanimous support of a government cannot be taken away from that government by its critics. It can only be squandered by those who use it not to heal a nation's wounds, but to take political advantage.

Terrorists did not come and steal our newly-regained sense of being American first, and political, fiftieth. Nor did the Democrats. Nor did the media. Nor did the people.

The President -- and those around him -- did that.

They promised bi-partisanship, and then showed that to them, "bi-partisanship" meant that their party would rule and the rest would have to follow, or be branded, with ever-escalating hysteria, as morally or intellectually confused, as appeasers, as those who, in the Vice President's words yesterday, "validate the strategy of the terrorists."

They promised protection, and then showed that to them "protection" meant going to war against a despot whose hand they had once shaken, a despot who we now learn from our own Senate Intelligence Committee, hated al-Qaida as much as we did.

The polite phrase for how so many of us were duped into supporting a war, on the false premise that it had 'something to do' with 9/11 is "lying by implication."

The impolite phrase is "impeachable offense."

Not once in now five years has this President ever offered to assume responsibility for the failures that led to this empty space, and to this, the current, curdled, version of our beloved country.

Still, there is a last snapping flame from a final candle of respect and fairness: even his most virulent critics have never suggested he alone bears the full brunt of the blame for 9/11.

Half the time, in fact, this President has been so gently treated, that he has seemed not even to be the man most responsible for anything in his own administration.

Yet what is happening this very night?

A mini-series, created, influenced -- possibly financed by -- the most radical and cold of domestic political Machiavellis, continues to be televised into our homes.

The documented truths of the last fifteen years are replaced by bald-faced lies; the talking points of the current regime parroted; the whole sorry story blurred, by spin, to make the party out of office seem vacillating and impotent, and the party in office, seem like the only option.

How dare you, Mr. President, after taking cynical advantage of the unanimity and love, and transmuting it into fraudulent war and needless death, after monstrously transforming it into fear and suspicion and turning that fear into the campaign slogan of three elections? How dare you -- or those around you -- ever "spin" 9/11?

Just as the terrorists have succeeded -- are still succeeding -- as long as there is no memorial and no construction here at Ground Zero.

So, too, have they succeeded, and are still succeeding as long as this government uses 9/11 as a wedge to pit Americans against Americans.

This is an odd point to cite a television program, especially one from March of 1960. But as Disney's continuing sell-out of the truth (and this country) suggests, even television programs can be powerful things.

And long ago, a series called "The Twilight Zone" broadcast a riveting episode entitled "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street."

In brief: a meteor sparks rumors of an invasion by extra-terrestrials disguised as humans. The electricity goes out. A neighbor pleads for calm. Suddenly his car -- and only his car -- starts. Someone suggests he must be the alien. Then another man's lights go on. As charges and suspicion and panic overtake the street, guns are inevitably produced. An "alien" is shot -- but he turns out to be just another neighbor, returning from going for help. The camera pulls back to a near-by hill, where two extra-terrestrials are seen manipulating a small device that can jam electricity. The veteran tells his novice that there's no need to actually attack, that you just turn off a few of the human machines and then, "they pick the most dangerous enemy they can find, and it's themselves."

And then, in perhaps his finest piece of writing, Rod Serling sums it up with words of remarkable prescience, given where we find ourselves tonight: "The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices, to be found only in the minds of men.

"For the record, prejudices can kill and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own -- for the children, and the children yet unborn."

When those who dissent are told time and time again -- as we will be, if not tonight by the President, then tomorrow by his portable public chorus -- that he is preserving our freedom, but that if we use any of it, we are somehow un-American...When we are scolded, that if we merely question, we have "forgotten the lessons of 9/11"... look into this empty space behind me and the bi-partisanship upon which this administration also did not build, and tell me:

Who has left this hole in the ground?

We have not forgotten, Mr. President.

You have.

May this country forgive you.

HONESTLY?

Drink the koolaid. Drink it! I'm just gonna let this one speak for itself.

This just in from CNN:

Still, some Southern women remain stalwart supporters of the president and the Republican Party. At a watermelon festival in Chickamauga, in the mountains of northwest Georgia, substitute teacher Clydeen Tomanio said she remains committed to the party she's called home for 43 years.

"There are some people, and I'm one of them, that believe George Bush was placed where he is by the Lord," Tomanio said. "I don't care how he governs, I will support him. I'm a Republican through and through."