A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTI take a break to crawl out from the millions of maps that have made me cross-eyed to bring to you a special public service announcement in several parts:
1. After a whole day of travelling on planes for two ten-minute meetings on Long Island that routed me from Albany to Boston to Long Island and then from Long Island to Philly back to Albany (because that makes sense), I don't give a flying damn if your plane was delayed. Don't whine to me. I've gotta get to the gate before my next plane boards.
2. Subsequently, if an entire Judo team is returning from a tournament and the team consists of mostly high school/college age kids who have nothing better to do than yell, scream, and try to rub up against each other, I should be allowed to move seats. Especially if it's the last leg of my journey.
3. In the Bill Maher tradition - a NEW RULE: Air-buses or Air-rickshaws, as I have dubbed them, need to go. If there's only one row of seats separated by an aisle and then another row of seats, no one should be flying in it. I don't care if you feel like a rock star because you have to step down a flight of stairs and walk on the tarmac to get to the plane, they're just wrong. Any plane where the Navigator/Co-Pilot is also the Stewardess should be outlawed. As a union representative, unless they're getting paid to do both jobs, then away they should go. Give me a bigger plane that doesn't rock in the air like I was on a tilt-a-whirl or the Pirateship - anyone who has been to an amusement park knows what I mean.
4. Do not, I repeat, do NOT allow white kids to cornrow their hair. I don't care if you think you're cool. Especially the half skull cornrow - where it's done from the front of the scalp to halfway and then stops like someone got tired of doing it. I saw two little girls, sisters, with cornrows in their hair like that and it was just wrong. If you're a parent, you should be outlawed or blacklisted. It's like allowing your kid to have a mullet because you think it's cute. I have news for you: it didn't look cool when Justin Timberlake did it when he was in N'Sync. Kevin Federline is... well, if you don't already know that he sucks, then allow us to cattleprod you. Frankly, you just don't have the hair to make it look good.
and finally:
5. If you are over 50, it's not cool to have "Orange County Choppers" stickers all over your car so no one can see the Yankee bobbleheads and assorted stuffed animals you've deliberately placed in the back window. I'm a huge Yankee fan and those bobbleheads belong on a shelf in your house and/or office. And gluing action figures to the dash is also a big no-no. Not only is it distracting, it gives off the impression that you're down with having your car look like you're still in high school. You're over 50. Enjoy the Social Security those of us still working are paying you.
Someone's riding the bitter train.
...and back to the maps.
Remember, the more you know...
