12.31.2004

iPod-ilicious.

So I went ahead and spent the money on the new iPod photo. Happy half-Christmas-late-presidential-campaign-trail-gift-to-myself. This means that not only did I decide that I worked long on hard out there in Iowa (and sometimes Seattle) that I decided I wanted to do something good for myself. Plus, my folks gave me half of the money for it for Christmas. Happy holidays, indeed.

Except that despite my best efforts, I still think RAM is a football team. So I've already restarted my iPod at least five times since I bought it. Of course, in my state of wakefulness (notice that I post this at 7am, meaning that I have been awake this whole time), or in a state of totchiness on the Apple folks' part (I'm sure they are very nice and well-meaning people), I can't seem to understand the directions.

Why couldn't they have at least given me the same thing they gave me when I got my iBook? Color pictures. With big, easy to read and understand fonts.

Granted, the information booklet that came with the iPod is extremely concise. But it just is missing some parts.

For the Christ, I can understand IKEA directions very well, why can't I understand this?

I've decided that because they forgot to put some important parts that I would write it out for them - and for anyone who decides to buy an iPod - especially the iPod photo since it's the newest one and everyone is still figuring out how to use them.

Oh, and I'll write "it in my oowwwn words." Regards to Oda May. C'mon, you knew that line was from "Ghost".

1. When you take your iPod out of the box, it will turn on and the picture will be the Apple icon. Don't be scared. It's supposed to be like that. And don't think that you are stupid because the Apple icon stays on and you can't get to the nice menu that you saw in the store. It's supposed to stay there until the iPod is fully charged. So don't keep restarting it and wondering where all your good money went. And as an extra tip, don't bang your head against your desk and/or wall. It'll be fine. I promise. Unless there is a defect in the manufacturing, but I hear that it's so well controlled that chances are likely it's just fine.

2. When you download the software that they gave you, don't worry when the installer pops up and says "connect iPod to computer to update" and you do what they tell you and nothing happens. Apparently, if the iPod doesn't need the update (if it's brand new, it probably won't - but see note 1 about "defects" just in case) so it'll just ignore that you have plugged it in. Again, no need for physical harm to your person. It'll be fine.

3. When in doubt, reset the iPod. Especially if you can't figure out why that stupid Musical trivia game keeps getting stuck. I have no idea why it does that.

4. When it says "Do not disconnect" it means it. Don't.

5. Make sure you have all the updates and software required for the iPod. Don't be a fool like me and find out you need to spend an additional $50 because you don't happen to have the last three updates on a program that you didn't even know existed on your computer.

6. Expect to spend a few hours figuring this out. Hell, since I was so nice to tell you about it, I just saved you at least two. It has taken me almost 8 hours. Damn, I should have been getting paid.

Yeah. A little annoyed. Still giddy to have my iPod, but a little less so. So for those of you still pouting that you don't have one, just be assured that the iPod not only makes you pay for it, it makes you work for it when you first get it. Of course, it's sweet as hell, but I'm just trying to put a positive spin on it. You bet your ass I'm happy I bought it.

Now I just have to live in eternal vigilance over it. Argh.

But it's still pretty damn sweet.

12.30.2004

Light a candle...

To the best El Gallo in the world, none other than Baby's Daddy - Jerry Orbach.

And to Callie, Lindsay and Brian's dog. May she find the big fire hydrant in the sky.

12.29.2004

I'll never watch TV the same way again.

I know it's been awhile, but those of you who know me know that I can't just take a vacation. No, instead, I turned a month and a few weeks into a home renovation project. Neat. But I'm trying to be good about it. So Young and I take breaks every now and then. Like when Jill and Fabs were here. Or this past week, spending Christmas back home in Syracuse.

I won't regale you with boring stories of a very relaxed and fairly boring Christmas with the folks. I only have two things to impart after a fabulous trip home, anyway.

First, is anyone else who is my age disturbed by the number of weddings or engagements of their fellow high school friends? Because everyone I know is either affianced or married. Well, not everyone. But enough to disturb me. Not that marriage or my friends being happy disturbs me, it's just that it's weird to think that my friends from yonder in my past are now married. Or even stranger was finding out my junior prom date, who has been happily married for a few years now, is a father. I still think of him running around the halls of the high school performing wrestling moves (we're talking WWF, not uni-tard with protective gear wrestling) on our friends. See? Weird.

Random injected thought: why do flu shots hurt like a bitch? Damn! And yes, I managed to get a flu shot. I know I'm not high-risk, but now that the government actually has enough, people aren't running to get it because everyone still thinks there is a shortage. Hah. Of course, my arm hurts like a bitch. Damn! (I blame Napoleon Dynamite for this random stream)

Second, I'll never watch TV the same again because of Ooter's sick tripped-out pad in the 'Cuse. Her dad was working on the new additions just this summer and this trip home, it was all done. See, they have a "movie room" in their house now - complete with heated floors, stadium-style seating (it's really just two rows, but still), comfy and huge leather couches, a nine foot hi-def projection screen - I mean, it's intense. And the night before leaving 'Cuse, Oot had a Monday night football party with assorted friends from FM and BHMC and I brought Steve and Sugene, who proceeded to stare, as I had, at the screen with mouths sort of hanging open in an "oh my god" kind of way. Intense.

Even my parent's 46 inch flat screen was a dissapointment after that. Imagine how I feel turning on the 13 inch in my room.

I'll just never look at TV the same. Damn!

12.17.2004

Damn, I miss the Big Apple.

So Young and I drove up yesterday to go to holiday parties with our former co-workers and do some errands and see some friends.

I've had a fabulous time so far and I will fully report on it, but there is something I quickly want to pass onto anyone who actually reads this.

As I walked from the 4/5 at City Hall towards my old office at Citizens Union, I saw this very white guy with his black friend crossing the street in front of me. Sure, it's New York. But what attracted me to the white guy was the fact that he was wearing jeans below his ass with a studded belt and his man panties (boxer briefs) were hanging out. He wore a v-neck tight sweater with a smallish jean jacket. He walked with a swagger that only Eminem-wannabes could have. He talked like Kenny, or "Special K" from Can't Hardly Wait.

And he had an iPod hanging perilously off of his left hip, balanced only by a small piece of metal, as he swaggered across the street.

Now, I have left my tendency to swipe a few things behind in the many gift shops along highways.

But I was tempted.

I passed the test. But here were a few thoughts running through my head:

1. If you're gonna go "gangsta" do it right. Don't look like a cross between Moby, Archie, and Elvis Costello wearing your studded belt big-ass jeans below your ass so the whole world can see your man panties. Wear the xxl shirt and cover that up, yo. Lose the tight v-neck sweater. And wear a puff jacket, for chrissakes.

2. Um, don't put your expensive iPod on the hip of your jeans where it will hang by your knees. You deserve to have me or some other thug monkey swipe that, dumbass.

and finally:

3. Why can't I have an iPod?

Ah. Christmas in a week. I can at least take care of that one...

12.15.2004

I'm sick.

Well, not sick sick because that would just be easier. Instead, I've got a weird allergy/sinus thing happening. And it's freaking annoying as hell!

But yesterday, So Young and I took my grandmother to DC and it was a day of memories for me. We drove down through Chestertown, past good 'ol Washington College. Then we drove over the bridge (and yes, I played the bridge song - know your roots) and through Annapolis (god, it's a gorgeous town). Then we hit 50E right into DC on New York Avenue and drove to my usual spots. This time, we avoided Georgetown and hit the Archives and the Museum of American History. So Young went to see the Hope Diamond (why do I think it's nothing to write home about?) while Mamang and I toured the First Lady gallery (much more my speed).

So then Mamang was tired so we headed home north through Baltimore this time (just making a big loop). We went into Bawlmer for dinner and went to the Paper Moon Diner, around the corner from my old apartment (the Joy Pad) where we feasted on my favorite dish they make (Turkey Powerhouse). Then it was back home to Delaware (god, I called it home) but first we stopped at the 24-hour Walmart to get draino for the kitchen sink. Yes, So Young and I have been there a lot in the past two weeks, but last night, I was reminded of how often Rossie and I would go at 2am to get out of Chestertown.

Ah. Memories. Now I need to go and blow my nose. I hate being sicky.

12.05.2004

Look, Garth, I'm in Delaware...

So Young and I took quite some time getting out of NYC but that's because it was only the two of us moving things out of the apartment, onto the elevator, down the elevator, down a flight of stairs, and then into the truck. Then we had to drive to DE. We didn't get here until 5am or some ridiculous hour like that.

But we still went to the 24-hour Walmart.

Now I know that since I am officially employed by a union that I need to stop going to Wal-mart. But since I've come back to DE and we've been sleeping odd hours, the only place open has been Walmart. And since we're doing some renovations, it is much cheaper than Home Depot or Lowes.

Of course, after going to Walmart twice in one day, I remembered exactly why I hate it. And we all should.

For one, there was an employee who was waiting on the management to relieve her from her shift. She waited over an hour and was still waiting when we left. Not neat.

And at two different Walmarts in one day, we saw two different fights.

That's right.

Now you might be wondering, "is that because it's Walmart or because you're in Delaware?"

To be honest, I wasn't sure of the correct answer to that. But after having been here a week, I assure you that it's Wal-hole.

The first fight started some aisles down from us at around 2am. All of a sudden we heard screaming and yelling that sounded like this:

Dumbass 1( DA1): "What the hell is your problem?"

Dumbass 2 (DA2) "What's your problem?"

DA1: "I'm looking for a sign to put on my car because I'm selling it, do you have a fucking problem with that?"

DA2: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

DA1: "Why you gotta be all up in my shit?"

DA2: "You trying to start something?"

DA1: "You're lucky I don't have my gatt here, I'd pop a cap in your ass right now!"

DA2: "BRING IT, BITCH! We can go outside and I'll get my fucking shotgun!"

More yelling ensues, your typical pissing match, one guy trying to prove he's got a bigger penis.

Finally, Walmart security (don't laugh) kicked them out. Soon, the whole place was talking about the fight. Turns out they were fighting because Dumbass 2 was staring at Dumbass 1 while Dumbass 1 was looking for "For Sale" signs. Hi, if you're severely unbalanced and will threaten to "pop a cap in someone's ass" because they were looking at you funny for a second, you shouldn't go out in public.

The second fight happened right in front of us. To be specific, in the parking space next to us. We happened to be returning to the car when we heard this woman in a minivan hanging out of the window yelling at the car that had just parked next to me.

Dumbass lady in white van (Stupid): Hello?!! I've been waiting here for five minutes. I know you saw me. What the hell is wrong with you?!! I was waiting.

Car full of family on their way to Walmart (Spacetakers): [walking away, but turning around to hear Stupid]

Stupid: "Yeah, that's right. I'm talking to you. Go ahead, have a good time in there. I'll still be here when you get back, you'll just have four slashed tires."

Spacetaker 1: [whipping around] "Bitch! What the fuck is your problem?"

Stupid: "My problem is that I've been waiting here for five minutes for that spot and you just up and take it!"

Spacetaker 2: "What the fuck is wrong with you? We parked there, bitch!"

Stupid: "And I'll fuck up your car!"

Spacetaker 3: "Bitch, I will slap you!"

Stupid: "I'll fucking bitchslap you!"

Spacetaker 1: "Get out of the car!"

Stupid gets out of the car, arms extended, head bobbing left to right.

Stupid: "Yeah, bitch, what you gonna do?"

Spacetaker 2: "I'm gonna fuck you up!"

Stupid: "Go ahead and try!"

Spacetaker 4: "Your name ain't on the parking space! Get the fuck back in your car and wait, bitch!"

This whole time, we're just putting shit in the car and trying to get out of there. Hey stupid lady in the white van, I'm leaving. You can take my spot.

'Tis the season to be merry, right? What the hell. It was just a parking space!

God. i'm in Delaware.