So, my piece of very exciting news was that I met Patsy and Eddy - that's right kids, actually met Patsy and Eddy. They physically touched me and spoke to me. So I can die now. Completely.

Alright. Let me explain to those of you living under a rock or without Comedy Central or BBC America, Absolutely Fabulous is one of the funniest shows out there. Patsy and Eddy are played by two incredibly funny women - Jennifer Saunders (Eddy) and Joanna Lumley (Patsy). Stop reading this right now and go and pick up a video or dvd of the Absolutely Fabulous series. A warning: it's British humor. If you don't get "Monty Python", don't waste your time. It's intellegent humor.

Since this is the third attempt for me to get this message to you, it is coming as condensed as I can bear because I'm getting tired of typing it all out. So here's the details that you have to know:

Working for the Comptroller of NYS and gubnatorial candidate has it's moments. The Gay Pride Awards happened on Thursday of last week during NYC's pride week, this year dubbed "Absolutely Fabulous Week."

So we had heard murmurings of Patsy and Eddy were coming to town - long story short, we found out that they were being presented with awards at the Pride Awards at City Hall so somehow me and my friend from work, Chris (yes, he swings that way) happened to make it onto the VIP list. Damn straight.

So we head into City Hall and beat the lines and found some good seats when we noticed that Joanna Lumley had entered the room. So Chris and I make our way over to Patsy and he got there first and was saying something to her. By the time I got there, he pointed and she turned and smiled at me...so I asked her to sign the only thing that I had in my bag for signing - my bus schedule - and she happily obliged. Chris then took a picture with her and it was my turn and she put her arm around me and smiled for a picture. Since it was hotter than a thrice-poked cooter in there, I was sweating bullets and I said something about the heat and she said, "Tell me about it, it's almost suffocating." I said thanks very much and she was all, "No problem, Cheers."

I turn in the opposite direction and nearly run into Jennifer Saunders. I look at her, she looks at me, I was like, "Oh, hello." And she replied, "Hello there." Chris and I then moved onto her and Chris said, "Would you mind terribly if we took a picture with you?" And she said, "No, not at all." So I took Chris's picture and then she got ready for a picture with me. I again said something about the heat and she said, "It's bloody hot in here." Again, I got touched by one of our DOMA goddesses. We took the picture, I got her to sign my bus schedule and mumbled some form of thanks to which she said, "No problem."

We sat down in our seats and realized that we were in the direct line of sight of Patsy and Eddy. We kept exchanging glances with them throughout the night. It was fabulous, sweetie.

Whom else was there being honored during the two hour ceremony? John Stamos for his portrayal as the bisexual emcee in Cabaret. Olympia Dukakis. The actor who plays the gay guy in Six Feet Under. Emmett from Queer as Folk was the keynote speaker. Whoopie gave the awards to Patsy and Eddy.

So they declared the two of them official New Yorkers - they were very touched. I don't think they had expected that. Whoopie was reading the proclamation and was all, "There's a lot of whearases, who-for, what then, your mama." Jennifer took the mike and said, "We're New Yorkers! Finally! We hit the ground shopping two days ago and have one day left and you've all been wonderful and lovely and it means a lot to us to be considered a part of the best city in the world..." at which point she turned to Joanna and said, "Are you going to say anything? Hmmm?" "Because I'm just going to keep going". And she did. I remember her saying, "Thank you for liking the show so much. Which is to say thanks for your intellegence. Thanks for your humor." Joanna took the mike and said, "Jennifer writes all of the funny things and I just read it, so let me just say Cheers mate, thanks a lot." And walked away.

Howls of laughter and cheering abound.

I can die now.

I really can. I've been touched and talked to by Patsy and Eddy in person. Oy.

But the story doesn't end there, no.

There was a post-party at XL, a gay bar and club west of Union Square. Needless to say, there was another huge line there and we walked right in (VIP list, remember) for free and were allowed to walk right back up to the VIP area. One open bar, seven cosmos, and half and hour later, I was besieged by queens dressed as Patsy, one dressed as Eddy, and another dressed as Tittikaka for the look-alike contest. But no drinky drinky with Patsy and Eddy, no - upstairs there were three levels. There was where I was with the open bar. There was another roped off section for VVIPs and then another roped off section behind that where there was a mirror where Patsy and Eddy could look out, but none of us could look in. Of course, we had all hoped to get back there, but to no avail. EVERYONE - by this, I mean all of the stars - were back there and they were only letting in super VVVIIIIPPPPS or something like that. And though I got into a fight with a queen because he wouldn't get the hell out of my way and kept bumping into me and my drink and mostly because I was a woman - he was all, "If you spill that drink on me one more time, you're gonna wear it." I told him to move his fat ass out of the way then...I wasn't going to play half-DOMA. After all, I was pretty near full-DOMA at this point (30minutes x 7 free raspberry cosmos = a DOMA monkee).

P.S. - the queen dressed as Titikaka said that when she went back there to meet them, Pasty and Eddy both were like, "You are absolutely brilliant." And Titikaka said, "Oh no, the two of you are incredibly brilliant." We both went on to say that we were upset that no one dressed as Saffy, but that's just the way it goes.

Needless to say, since we couldn't get to the back back back room, we left. But we left happy and sated with what we had accomplished, which was that we had done what we needed to do and if we were allowed to do anymore, we would have floated home.

So that's what I did the night before I went to the midwest for a wedding. I was in Ohidaho or Mississouri for the weekend, but you bet your ass that when I got home, I popped in those Ab Fab DVDs and lived my Thursday night all over again.

Cheers, all.

-Monkay

Alright. Let's talk about the heat and forest fires, shall we?

Global warming is freakin' killing me. The fact that I sit in sweat when I'm at home - SITTING - is disturbing. I have the sweat glands of a monkey on crack, but this is getting re-freakin'-diculous. It's hot. And it's uncomfortably hot. And I can't sleep at night because it's hot. Oy.

Now the undeniable question is whether or not we can do anything about it. Hmm, Mr. President, drilling Alaska will be good for the environment, meanwhile, while you back out of environmental treaties and deny the existance of global warming, your Americans are slowly sweating themselves to death during one of the lowest periods of rainfall and water supply EVER. Yes, that seems to make a hell of a lot of sense to me. Someone please explain to me how to start a grassroots movement that puts air conditioning in every corner of America in an effort to beat out the slow drying-up of the world. I will carry that banner and wave the flag high and proud. I realize I don't like heat, but even those friends of mine who like heat can't stand this. This entire past week has not dipped below 85 degrees - even at night - and the humidity has a fine way of making every surface sticky. Oy.

I now wish to switch gears and discuss forest fires caused by dimwitted people. In the three that I have heard about (let's make an exception for the lost hiker who wanted to be found - if I was in that situation, I'm not sure I would have done differently), two have done it unintentionally and one by a firefighter so that he could fight it and get money.

Let's talk about the unintentional ones, shall we? Some kids camping and probably drinking (and if you know me, you know that I don't have any personal grudge against drinking - AT ALL) who started a campfire and tried to make sure it was out.

Try water.

And the other woman who got a letter from her "estranged husband" starting the fire - was a parks employee who regulates the fires in the damn park. Sweet Jesus almighty, what the sam hell was she thinking?

Again, try water.

Don't even get me started on the guy who was a fireman who started the fire to get money. For starters, he had a mullet. If the people patrol existed, he would have been bitch-slapped for that a long time ago and maybe this might not have happened. I don't know. A firefighter who doesn't work because there are no fires usually signals a good thing to me. If he wanted money, he should have gotten so by either becoming a full-fledged fireman instead of a volunteer - or gotten another job. Hell, even if he had pimped for a while, he would have made some money.

What the hell is wrong with people?

And did you read about that mother who is now on trial for her life for killing her children by leaving them in a car with the windows up for more than three hours while she got her hair done?

I ask again: what the hell is wrong with people?

I just don't get it. I will again make the case that everyone in the world should be forced to take a test. Those who are competent will be rewarded with cattle prods for those who fail miserably. After a year, those who fail will be eligible to take the test again. Three strikes and you will never EVER get a cattle prod. I think it would work. Don't you?

What the hell is wrong with people?