Now the story you have all been waiting for...

There needs be no explanation as to why Volansky is the god of my idolatry - she's just that cool. But she became my celestial orbit after this past Monday because of the following story. I won't bastardize it with my words or anything, I shall let the Volansky simply speak for herself. She need not me to impose. All of this has made me come to a very important conclusion:

I want to be Volansky when I grow up.

Without further ado:

hello again, friends,

so, some of you asked for a report after the rove talk and so, i am here to happily comply.

in the interest of "full disclosure," the topic of the talk was "politics and a polarized press in the age of bush." all of your questions, while a TAD heavy on the "do you know you are satan?" theme, were truly extraordinary and will serve as the basis for a book i plan on writing sometime down the road. i also didn't get to ask them, as we ("the faculty") were encouraged to allow our students to ask the questions. i have a list of the questions, for those of you who are interested. i should also say that i was in full "cocktail party mode" and was NOT as heavy-hitting as i should/could have been. i finnagled this invite to investigate how those in power use it in social settings. so, beat me about the head if you'd like -- i was there to play.

before i begin the play-by-play, i have to tell you all that, when i returned home tonight, i was met by THREE emails from the SGA president-elect, who is a drama major and who i have in class. the topic of each email was "you rattled him, i don't know how you did it, but you rattled him." so, i have a small sense of accomplishment.

okay, so i was hanging around the cocktail party (sidebar: not enough food, but the "jumbo shrimp" was swell...) and THE MAN HIMSELF walked in. he was cool and cavalier and was with his female handler, as well as the dashing john harwood, our gracious host and son of the deeply respected (and dead) dick harwood, late late of the washington post. rove wandered around a bit, shook the hands of some serious white haired rich republicans and was introduced to a number of the students who were there. i was with one of my favs, a senior drama/poli sci major from india. my colleague introduced her to rove and she and another student talked a bit until a bossy, schmoozy white haired insinuated herself into the conversation, bringing along an underage daughter (student and drinking). i stood behind rove for a while and when i sensed a break in the conversation, the following ensued:

mv: (tapping "the architect" on the back) thank you so much for coming to chestertown, mr. rove. i have to say, it was all i could do to physically restrain myself from grabbing your ass.

rove: who are you?!

mv: i'm michele volansky. i'm an alum, a dramaturg and a faculty member here at washington's college.

rove: what do you teach (sidebar: he wouldn't let go of my hand...)?

mv: drama.

rove: well, that makes sense. you are a drama queen. (turning to handler) make sure she is ALWAYS in my line of sight.

mv: so, my question is this -- do you have an inside line on who will be elected pope? (rove then grins, wiggles his eyebrows and nods his head) well, i guess you won't tell the likes of me...

he then moves along, gesturing that i remain in his field of vision (i am NOT making any of this up), shakes some more hands and then comes back to me.

rove: i want to make sure i always know where you are. so, stay in front of me, will you?

there's some more schmoozing and i then i think that i should have him sign something, so i go over to him and say:

mv: will you sign my invite?

rove: for you, anything.

so, he signs my invite, which i have in my possession. it says, "you scare me. karl rove"

i say to him: i could sell this on ebay, you know.

rove: you should. it's a free country.

mv: well, it is NOW. what about later?

he is then hustled away.

the talk goes on. he lies about no child left behind, social security and the "oppositional press"

as i said before, i didn't ask a question.

but, he was sitting on the edge of the stage, i walked by and waved. he grabbed my hand again, shook it and said, "it was a great pleasure meeting you, michele. good luck with everything."

that's all i got.

if anyone wants to see the signature, let me know.

he is truly impressive. and completely and utterly satanic. he's so good.

those of us in this crowd have a LOT of work to do before we find someone as clever as he is to orchestrate my presidential campaign.

so, friends, get to work.

much love,

volansky

Now the real truth comes out. I'm totally suing this woman for making me hurl unnecessarily.

Woman who claimed to find finger in chili arrested

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) -- The woman who claimed she found a well-manicured finger in her bowl of Wendy's chili last month was arrested Thursday night in Las Vegas, police said.

Anna Ayala was taken into custody at her home, San Jose police spokesman Enrique Garcia said. He said police would not give any details until a news conference Friday afternoon. Las Vegas police also refused to comment.

The arrest is the latest twist in the bizarre case about how the 11/2-inch fingertip ended up in a bowl of fast-food chili.

Ayala told police she found the finger March 22 while eating at a Wendy's in San Jose. She said she intended to sue but relented, claiming the publicity was too emotionally taxing.

When police and health officials failed to find any missing digits among the workers involved in the restaurant's supply chain, suspicion fell on Ayala, whose story has become a late-night punch line.

Ayala has a litigious history. She has filed claims against several corporations, including a former employer and General Motors, though it is unclear from court records whether she received any money. She said she got $30,000 from El Pollo Loco after her 13-year-old daughter got sick at one of the chain's Las Vegas-area restaurants. El Pollo Loco officials say she did not get a dime.

Earlier Thursday, Ohio-based Wendy's International Inc. announced it had ended its internal investigation, saying it could find no credible link between the finger and the restaurant chain.

All the employees at the San Jose store were found to have all their fingers, and no suppliers reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said.

Sales have dropped at franchises in Northern California, forcing layoffs and reduced hours, the company said. Wendy's also has hired private investigators, set up a hot line for tips and offered a $100,000 reward for anyone who provides information leading to the finger's original owner.

Volansky is my celestial orbit and the god of my idolatry.

Three cheers to the woman to "rattled" Karl Rove on his visit to my alma mater.

I can give you specifics, but I shall wait until I have the green light.

Until then, know that Volansky is my hero. She rocks!

In the meantime, here are some quotes of the past weeks:

"I forget that I'm unforgettable."
-Jackie Lee, re: the gay waiter that hits on us everytime we walk into Buffalo Wild Wings in Bear, DE. He insists on remembering us. We insist he forgets.

"No, what is this?"
-Jackie, in reference to the chicken tenders at Camden Yards that was all breading, no chicken.
"$7.50?"
-Fabriana, in reply

It's been a crazy weekend to a hectic week.

Things are rather busy out here in the First State. Lots of stuff happening around work. So a little crazed.

This weekend was lots of fun, but I'm lots of tired. Big CBC, WC, and baseball weekend. Good to see everyone (and I mean everyone and their mother that traveled to C-town yesterday evening), awesome to work creatively with the CBC folks, and congrats to Dickert for the thesis being done! Can you believe that I've driven between Delaware and Maryland all weekend? I can barely fathom it myself and it all went by so fast. But hey, that's what happens when you work seven days a week and there's much going on in the evenings with all the things and folks you care about.

That's about it. Oh, and thanks to Baldwin for the Camden Yards tix. Because even when the Yankees lose, it's still a beautiful thing to watch. It was an absolutely gorgeous day and I got to spend it with two great people. That's the way to cap a rough week, go to the ballpark for a few hours with the State Director of the Coalition that you are working with and a best friend - on a completely gorgeous day - and you've got yourself an afternoon. Sure, the Yankees dropped a lot of games, but hell, it's only April and it is, what, the twelfth game? I'm not worried. At all. My boys know what to do. They just gotta work together and get it done. In the meantime, I'll enjoy catching a game when I can.

Doesn't hurt that we were right behind third base, close enough to see their faces. I sure did enjoy the sights of Jeter, A-Rod, Matsui, and Tino. Beautiful.

Now, it is resting time and I can be happy knowing I've had a good work week and an fantastic weekend. Who says you can't work and play hard at the SAME TIME? Huzzah.

Sorry, everyone, been ridiculously busy. But rest assured in knowing that as long as Dubya keeps on trying to screw us all and privatize everything including cooters, that I'm going to keep working hard to prevent it.

IN THE MEANTIME, more in the ever-evolving saga of the Wendy's chili finger:

New twist on finger found in chili
Officials doubt link between Wendy's discovery, leopard attack

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AP) -- Authorities investigating the origin of a finger found in a California bowl of fast-food chili said Thursday they have uncovered no link to a Nevada leopard attack that cost a woman part of her index finger.

Nye County Sheriff Tony DeMeo said the chance of any connection is "diminishing." San Jose, California, Police Sgt. Nick Nuyo said investigators there were also skeptical.

Sandy Allman, 59, lost a 3/4-inch fingertip February 23 in the attack by a spotted leopard being kept at her home in rural Pahrump, about 60 miles west of Las Vegas.

Las Vegas resident Anna Ayala claimed she found a 1 1/2-inch fingertip on March 22 while eating at a Wendy's in San Jose.

"Obviously, if we have more of a finger than she lost, you might look at that on face value and say it's probably not the same," Nuyo said Thursday.

A lawyer for Allman had said that she wanted to participate in any DNA testing of the found finger. She said she last saw her fingertip packed in ice in a Las Vegas emergency room. Doctors told her it could not be reattached, and she does not know what happened to it after that, lawyer Philip Sheldon said.

The hospital said it cannot account for the missing fingertip.

Ayala was visiting relatives in San Jose and could not be reached for comment. Her attorney, Jeffrey Janoff, said Wednesday that she had decided not to pursue a lawsuit over the found finger because scrutiny by police and reporters had been "very difficult for her emotionally."

Court records show Ayala has previously made claims against corporations, including a former employer, General Motors and a fast-food restaurant.

Wendy's maintains the finger did not enter the food in its ingredients. It has offered a $50,000 reward in the case and was keeping open a hot line for tips, spokesman Denny Lynch said.