Okay. It's really been awhile. I swear to you that one of my New Year's intentions is to be better at doing this regularly (which I used to do pretty well when I was unemployed...but anyway)... in the year of the Monkey, I promise you that I will try harder.

Yes, I call them intentions, not resolutions - as my brilliant friend, Vivian, has done. That way if I fall short, I can at least say my intentions were good and I don't feel like quite a shlub.

Now I know that there are many of you who stopped reading this, so you're not going to read this now. But if you've been coming back every now and then, you know that sometimes I have something to say (I mean, I always do and I think I am brilliant at times, but hell, I ain't been so good at keeping up). And I know that my talk has been political a lot lately - but you gotta admit that in the world we're living in, there's just so much damn fodder for me. I also made it an intention to write more about the funny observations I make (which aren't really funny so much as I am a twisted person).

So let me just say two things politically before I move onto observations from my most recent travels.

1. Did I or did I not call the Kerry momentum after Iowa? I projected months ago that he would do much better than the polls let on and he would actually do very well in Iowa, which would turn around the campaign because Dean was going to peak before the caucuses. I think that my friend Jon put it best - I've always been leaning Kerry. I've been willing to be persuaded, but nothing seems to be pulling me away from that. I don't want to be a fair-weathered friend, but I'm being honest. I truly believe that John Kerry or John Edwards can beat George Bush. Dean and Clark are just flashes in the pan. There, I've officially said it. It doesn't mean I don't like them, I am more concerned with getting that idiot out of office and so should the rest of us.

2. As for the President's "State of the Union", he is clearly delusional. Anyone who thinks George Bush doesn't care about reelection needs only to examine the SOTU to see that he really is obssessed with it. And he's quite the arrogant bastard still. You'd think he'd be taken down a notch after oh, I don't know - the way things have turned out? Why the hell does the American public allow themselves to be taken in by this man? We really will believe anything. Maybe we should have Clay Aiken or Brittany Spears run for office. That would give Georgie a run for his money because the American people have the attention span of...what was I saying?

If you missed it, here are the high points of the address: terrorist, sanctity of marriage between a man and woman, permanent tax cuts, terrorist, privatize social security, HMO's should be in charge of health care - not the government, terrorist, corporations are great, no child left behind is really good in idea but I won't fund it, no separation of church and state, terrorist, drug education is necessary (though I won't teach it to my daughters), illegal immigrants are okay but we'll never give them amnesty, the Patriot Act is necessary, no separation of church and state, terrorist, stop suing HMO's and corporations because they are good, the US should be involved in nation building as long as they do what we want, terrorist, leave no billionaire behind, terrorist, no separation of church and state, and terrorist.

This has to be one of the most interesting election years I have ever seen. Nothing like having the sitting president so clearly use his Constitutional requirement to jump-start his re-election campaign by directly attacking his opponents - this was probably the one speech of his I could sit through because point for point, I made a list of why he is wrong.

Dubya says that we should "follow the course". Exactly. Don't elect him again in 2004.

And now to our regularly scheduled program - observations on:

ATLANTIC CITY.

My parents go all the damn time. Since I was a kid, they went almost every other weekend and at least once a month in the winter time (we have that house in Delaware that is only about 40 minutes away). I always liked the beach when I was a kid and enjoyed the arcarde - until I was legal enough to enter the "big room".

In the past month, I have been to Atlantic City twice in two weeks. What the hell is that all about? I'll tell you:

the sweet sweet chance that I might actually win some money.

Now let's forget that old adage, "you've got to spend money to make money." Isn't it everyone's dream to walk into a casino, drop a quarter, hit three "7's" and win the jackpot AND the car?

Don't laugh at my dream.

So yes, my parents go an awful lot, so they get a lot of free stuff. I was just there with two of my good friends when my parents last went - Jill and Ross - and Ross won $75 on the Pink Panther slots (which is just really amusing - if you know Ross...sorry, sweetie, it really is). We smartly decided to spend more time on the boardwalk that in the casino and after finding some sea shells, Jill chasing seagulls, playing boardwalk games where we got screwed (I spent $10 to play some stupid throw-the-ball-into-the-bin game without knowing it just to win a stuffed Spongebob Square Pants Pineapple Home - I'm serious. It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen) and I, at least, felt more content doing that than spending my hard-earned money getting zombified in front of a slot machine (I have yet to find the courage to mosey up to a table with a $25 limit for a hand of blackjack, though I'm getting close).

But it was my mother's birthday this past weekend and she insisted that I come home to go with her and my dad to the AC and stay at the Hilton for a night - especially because she scored three free tickets to "Vicki Lawrence and Mama - a two woman show".

Mama? From "Mama's Family"?

You're goddammned right I went. That show used to make me pee my pants.

I have to admit that I also went because my parents just bought two new cars to replace their two older ones and I had a perverse fascination with the thought that I would be driving them to Atlantic City in these new cars. I was right. Those damn cars are really nice. I kept trying to pity them into giving me one, but I guess I need to work on my powers of persuasion.

Alright, back to the story.

So we go, we check into the hotel, we hit the casino floor. I'm not doing too bad, I think at that point, I popped in $40 ($30 of which my mom and dad gave me for being their chauffer) and I walked away with about $80 in vouchers in about half an hour. I then decided to take advantage of the free gym (thank you, Hilton) before going to see Vicki and Mama.

The "theatre" in the Hilton is really a big room with a stage and chairs. The seats blew, but they were free, so whatever. I couldn't help noticing that I was probably one of five of the youngest people in the audience. The guy behind me kept kicking my chair whenever he'd have a phlegm attack and the woman in front of me wheezed so hard, I thought she was going to die before Vicki ever showed up.

It was exactly the kind of show you'd expect it to be. Vicki was funny. Mama was funnier. But I don't know how you can really separate the two since they are the same person except to say that overall the show was good. The best part about it was the fact that Vicki was being pretty honest. She started the show by telling us how she got involved in show business - which was really interesting (did you know she first played Mama when she was a ripe 24?). At some point, she decided to talk about the OB gyn and relate to the women in the audience. She had us in stiches.

At this point, I noticed that many of the older men, including my step-father, had moved the back. I took notice mostly because the guy behind me stopped kicking. At the end of the show, we overheard the old men complaining: "Why did we have to hear about all of that?"; "This show was for you women, not us men."; "That was awful. If I had known she was going to talk about that, I wouldn't have come."

Oh no, we made you uncomfortable? You mean, you don't want to hear about waxing legs or other places, visits to the G-man, child birth, or the line in the ladies room? What should we talk about? Oh, that's right, I should be silent. Did you want your coffee? Your slippers? How can I make you more comfortable, Mr. Eddie's father?

Sorry she didn't pique your interest. Sorry she didn't talk about sports. Sorry she didn't talk about the terms or deal of her retirement (I find this to be the topic most old men wish to discuss). Sorry she didn't pander to you, Old Man River.

God, that pissed me off. It's bad enough that Vicki Lawrence has to do a show in Atlantic City - let alone a two woman show with a character that hasn't been on TV for at least 15 years - give her a goddammed break. Sorry to interrupt your day at the nickel slots for an hour of entertainment.

I mean, I'm not an ageist. Really, I'm not. It's just that many of the older people I know are cuddly cuddly little bears of love and wisdom. And the older people who go to Atlantic City are just not. They are rude. They are mean. I was at one of the comp computers (yes, I've become a VIP, too) with my mother who was getting the money for dinner (when you play a lot, you get free stuff. I've gone over this before - free hotel rooms, free blankets, fleece, and even money to use at your discretion when you go). My mother was getting the comps off of her card and my father's card so we could enjoy a nice dinner on Hilton. After she was done, I checked my card. I just started with it, but hell, I wanted to see what was on it - I was in line, right?

Apparently the computer next to us wasn't working. And the older gentleman behind me was too impatient. I checked - it took a total of 40 seconds and walked away. As I did, he ran up to the machine and I heard him mutter to me, "Why the hell would you take the F*@#!ing time to check if you knew there was nothing on your goddammned card?!"

Buhscuse me, grandpa? What did you just say? Sorry, I was tripping over your fanny pack as you ran up behind me.

But it gets better.

We're on our way upstairs to eat and my dad doesn't move with quite the speed he used to. As we were getting in line, the same guy runs (well, more of a jog really), and nearly knocks over my mother and father so he can get in line before us.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? And he wasn't the only one!

I realize that my parents are older. But I've never seen people act like it before. I mean, what is it about Atlantic City that attracts the crotchety, fussy older set who decide that wearing gold velour or pink sweatsuits with their blue hair in curlers is the only way to hit the casino floor?

And I think I'm saddened by the fact that now that I'm a VIP, I will become just like them.

In closing my thoughts on Atlantic City, let me just say that I was en fuego that night. I managed to rack up to over $200 on my $80 voucher from before.

And then midnight hit. And I started losing. And I figured I'd be able to win it back - I was hot, right?

I was wrong. Luckily, I realized it before I lost too much.

I hate that damn place.

And I want to go back next weekend. Who wants to come?