Sadly, I recently drove my good and dear friend, Fab to her new home in Cleveland, Ohio. That's right. Sunny Cleveland.

Did I say sunny? I meant grey, dark, dank. I admit that I'm an elitist when it comes to New York, but I'm hard-pressed to find a New Yorker that isn't. We have much to be elitist about, after all. And look, I did spend a good amount of time outside of the state - and it reinforced my belief in my homestate. I've come to terms that while I could live in a nice state like Maryland or a nice city like Boston, I just can't find anything that feels like I do when I'm in New York - be it state or city. I love the whole damn thing. So I'm a New York elitist. Big deal. I know plenty of people who like Baltimore and I fail to understand, so keep to yours and I'll keep to mine, thank you very much.

Now this isn't what I choose to talk about today. No. I want to talk about the drive from New York to Cleveland. Why? Because it's long. And because driving through a snowstorm yields numerous possibilities for a fun road trip. And because driving through Pennsylvania east to west is not something that I recommend to anyone. It's like driving through an asshole backwards.

Yes. That is the imagery I choose to use.

We left NYC about five hours later than planned, which meant that we were driving through most of the evening. We had already resigned to the idea that we'd have to stop if it got too bad or we were too tired. So off we went, over the George Washington Bridge and towards Ohio.

Let me explain some things that you need to know:

1. Fab and I ALWAYS have interesting roadtrips.
2. Fab has a cat, Cali, that needed to come with her to her new apartment. Cali doesn't like car trips. So Fab has a tranquilizer in the event that she has to go on one.
3. Maybe only Fab and I think that we're funny. It's ok. We realize that.

So, as we leave NYC, Fab mentions to me that I'm the one that has to give Cali her tranquilizer. Buhscuse me? I'm no Dr. Doolittle. But she's convinced that I'm the one who has to do it since she couldn't. Looking around, I seemed to be the only other option. And at this point in the trip (let's say, um, about ten minutes), Cali's meowing had gotten to a fever pitch and was driving the two of us nuts. We thought that turning up the radio would help, but we felt callous. So Fab decided to try to give her the tranquilizer whilst I drove. We had already tried to pull aside once before leaving the city to administer the drug, but the cat wasn't having it. So as we drove towards the Delaware Water Gap, Fab decided to try again - this time, while the car was in motion. Fine by me. Anything to keep her quiet.

As you can probably imagine, this wasn't the smartest idea the two of us had. After the third try (she was attempting to shoot the pill down Cali's throat while she was meowing), she lost the pill somewhere in the carrier. Also, she noticed that she was suddenly wet. I couldn't smell anything, so I assumed that it was from the snow. Five minutes later, we couldn't conceal the smell of ammonia in the car.

That's right, kids. The cat peed on Fab as she tried to give her the pill. Luckily for the car, it seemed to be mostly on Fab's pants.

Strike one.

We decide we're hungry. So we get to the next exit and head for Wendy's (a Fab and Keeza favorite). We miss the Wendy's by ten miles - the road wasn't marked at all. As we turn around, Fab comes to the brilliant conclusion that not only were we lost in (shudder) New Jersey, we were starved, she was wet, and the cat had pissed on her. All she wanted to do was change her pants. So she spots an abandoned X-mas Tree store, makes me pull over, and changes pants in the middle of the parking lot. Did I mention that it's a snowstorm?

As she changes, she whips out the febreeze and sprays it all over the car. At this point, I'm hungry, have febreeze in my mouth, and going slowly crazy as the cat meows at an unforgivingly high pitch. We are both resolved to give this cat the pill. So as she holds Cali down, I gently manage to get the pill into the cat's mouth and massage her throat.

Objective one taken care of.

Now we're on the road with a vengance trying to find the Wendy's. We locate it and sit down to eat. As we sit, we come to the slow realization that the past hour of our road trip has been very entertaining. I mention that I felt like we were in a "very bad Animal Planet". Fab starts to choke on her Wendy's chilli whilst on the phone. We are laughing like crazies in the middle of Wendy's. She tries to say that the chilli is up her nose when I exclaim, "If you snarf a chilli bean onto my dashboard when we get back into the car, I'm dumping your ass here and going back to NY", which only makes her laugh harder.

Maybe you had to be there.

But the other great part of the roadtrip - besides the motel that we stayed at where we had to pull a virtual James Bond to get the cat in and out of the room with no one seeing - was that we ran over something dead.

Okay, I didn't mean for that to sound the way it came out. Because running over roadkill is disgusting.

But the thing is that we weren't sure what it was. It didn't look like anything resembling an animal (quadreped, that is - not a deer or a racoon) - nor did it look like anything resembling a part fallen off of a car. Instead, it looked like an anaconda. Do they have anaconda's in Pennsylvania? 'Cause it's disturbing.

And one more thing - we went out to dinner in Cleveland and I was in the women's bathroom and there was a dispenser labeled "Women's Feminine Tampons". Does anyone else see why I think this is funny? I mean, come on. Please look at it again and tell me that it's funny.

I think I'm losing my mind. No job and no money make Monkee something, something...

And by the P.S. - I realize that I have the "Which Founding Father" thing on my last blog twice. I still think RAM is a football team, so I have no idea why it is doing that.